The Things We Don't Say

Ever since I was a little girl, all I dreamed about was getting married. I pretended with my dolls, with Barbies and just daydreamed about it. What little girl doesn't imagine meeting the man of her dreams, falling in love, getting married and starting a family?

I still do.

My life didn't quite work out like that. It was more like a series of misadventures that landed me where I am at now. Back in college and 27, with 3 kids and still not married.

It's not like I'm alone, but it sure the hell feels like it sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I cannot imagine what my life would be like without my kids. In fact, every time I question one of my misadventures I come up with, "But then I wouldn't have Noah, or Noah wouldn't be Noah" so I stop.

There is just one tiny thing, but it feels like a guillotine hanging over my head. Marriage. I want it, he doesn't.

Yes, he said at the beginning he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to remarry....but that was before. Before births, deaths, trials, sickness, a broken foot, no job, no money, and when I was so stupidly, blindly in love that I thought that I would be the only one special enough to change his mind.

Turns out, maybe not.

So the question was posed tonight: Would you want your daughter to have two children, be living with a man, and NOT be married. Our response was no.

But that's where we are. Assbackwards.

What to do now? I wish I knew. Supposedly, if an ultimatum is made, he would comply. But I don't want to give it. Because if I do, I have to be ready for the consequences. Which could mean that I would be single again. I wouldn't like it, but I could deal with that. Maybe I'd get what I want. Well, that would be wonderful, but I really don't want to twist an arm to get it. More than likely, I would get what I wanted but I would live in fear of hearing these words, "Well, I never wanted to marry you in the first place."

So.....how do you reconcile what you want with reality? What if he really never will want to get married. What if I say I'm through, and then he finds someone he will marry. Is it really me? Because honestly, it feels like I'm great enough to spend time with, sleep with, have children with, but nothing else. I'm too broken to want for marriage. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free right?

So for now, I'm stuck in this seemingly endless maze of choices and thoughts and are sometimes hopeful, sometimes not, and most often, hurtful and self destructing. I am just reminded of "He's just not that into you" The rule is that if you are with someone for an amount of time and they haven't married you yet, they aren't going to" The exception is when they do...So, am I the exception, or the rule?