Happiest of Times?

I really don't know what my issue has been lately. I should be incredibly over the moon happy. But it's not quite that way.
I should be having the time of my life planning this wedding that I've wanted for so long.
Not so much.

Have you ever had those days (weeks, months...) where nothing is really wrong, but everything isn't right?

That's how I feel.

I have so many things spinning around in my head that I can't keep anything straight. And when I sit down to figure out what I need to do, I just become overwhelmed and want to go to bed.

I have 6 months to:
*plan a wedding
*figure out Halloween costumes for 3 children
*Plan and execute Little Miss Sunshine's party {Already have that one figured out}
*Thanksgiving
*Pirate Noah's party {I suppose I have some stuff planned}
*Christmas
*New Years
*Monkey's party {He was going to get something different, but when all else fails, stick with monkey's and he'll be happy}

Not to mention, 19 hours of heavy coursework this semester, final exams sometime between Noah's birthday and Christmas, and starting a new semester after the first of the year.

Any wonder why I just want to pull the covers over my head?

I'm really thankful that I have people in my life who want to help, and will probably be more than willing if I would tell them what to do. But, the 2 people that I want most, won't and can't help.

When I was talking to someone about the wedding recently, I started tearing up when I was describing what I envisioned.

1940's, glitz, glam, big band

I'm getting married on my grandparent's anniversary and want a wedding that would have been common when they were married in the late 40's.

But no matter how many jazz bands I listen to, or birdcage veils that I try on, even though I will have my grandma's ring, I won't have my grandparents. And I always thought I'd at least have my grandpa to walk me down the aisle.

Which brings me to the second person. My mom didn't have my grandma to help her plan her wedding, so I really don't know why she is resisting this wedding so much. But it's tearing me apart. I got some what of a reaction in my dress, but not the over the top "oh my gosh, this is the dress" that you see on TV. I suppose I should know by now that my mom is not the typical mom.

I have to stop letting others dictate my happiness. Just like I can't let one person have that much control over how I feel.

But, it's so much easier to say than do.

Grandpa

My grandpa was and still is one of the most important people in my life. He was amazing. He and my grandma took care of me when I was lit
tle and
my mom was in school. He was still working at the time, but almost every weekend he would take me to 'town'. We would go to McDonald's and go bowling or play putt-putt golf. Sometimes he'd take me to the movies. And then we'd always finish our trip with a visit to the grocery store or WalMart where a Barbie doll would just happen to make its way into our shopping cart.

Growing up, he continued to take me everywhere. We went on a month long road trip that started in Texas, up to Idaho, over to Crater Lake in Oregon and down to California. Thankfully, my older cousin came with us when we left Idaho because in Tracy, California, he hit his head on the bottom of the pool and had short term memory loss.

My grandpa played the clarinet in a band during World War II. He was the reason that I started playing the clarinet. One of my most prized possessions is his still fully functioning clarinet from WWII. Bill Gates could walk in and offer me billions of dollars for it and I'd never get rid of it.

I remember him having tears in his eyes when I'd play him a song. He would tell me how wonderful I played and that I far surpassed him because he could never make a song sound like that.

He passed on a love for Glen Miller, any Big Band music, and an unexplainable love for the Chicago Cubs. He also taught me what it meant to love and have someone believe in me.

He's been gone for 6 years now and there are days that I feel like he's still here. There are times I want to pick up the phone and call him, but am crushed to realize I can't.

When Noah came home from baseball practice with his Cubs hat and jersey, I was so happy. I wanted to call my grandpa and send him the picture.

I always imagined that he would walk me down the aisle and that I would have my dad and my grandpa on either side of me. I always thought I would have him to dance with at my wedding.

It's times like these that are especially hard. I hope that he looks down on me and is proud of me still. I hope that he sees his great grandchildren and knows how much I love him. I hope he is watching every last one of Noah's baseball games.


I miss you so much grandpa. Happy Fathers Day.




.

THE Dress

I think that for most women, trying on wedding dresses in the hunt for THE Dress is the most exciting part of the entire wedding.

Have I mentioned that I'm not most women?

Growing up, I envisioned this perfect, cookie cutter type wedding. I would have on an enormous gown with glitz and beads everywhere, a huge tiara, and a chapel length veil with a blusher over my face. I'd walk down the aisle behind my flower girl throwing flowers from her ordinary satin basket.

I just puked a little I just puked a little more

Add to the fact that I'm self conscious, in the process of losing weight, and really don't like trying on any type of clothing, especially a dress. Plus this isn't any dress, this is the dress.

My sister and I went looking for dresses back in March. I didn't find anything remotely worth mentioning except 3 sweet gals at one of the bridal shops. So when my mom decided it was time to go look, we set out to Spokane to dress shop. I have said over and over that I just want something plain. I don't want anything over the top-just simple and elegant.

We went to a rather large retail chain of bridal store's. I'm not mentioning names but the name David was involved. I was not impressed with the lady that was supposed to be helping me. I found 2 dresses that were ok, but I didn't put it on and say it was the dress.

After that, we went back to the small store where my sister and I had gone before. When I walked in the door, I felt at ease and happy. The ladies there are wonderful! You can be polite and still be fake, but you cannot fake genuine interest. I had felt uncomfortable and unhappy earlier when I was trying on dresses. I had about as much interest as someone trying on their prison stripes for their execution. And that is not what wedding dress shopping is supposed to feel like. It is supposed to be exciting and one of the happiest days of your life.

.

Long story short, I found my dress and there were tears. There was also name calling and an instance of almost vomiting, but it was all in good fun. I am so thankful that I found 3 wonderful ladies to share that day with

I'm looking for something in white
Something that shimmers in soft candlelight
Everyone calls us the most perfect pair
Should I wear a veil or a rose in my hair
Well,the train must be long and the waist must be tight
I'm looking for something in white
-Lorrie Morgan
Something in Red

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Bright and early this morning I was woken by my 3 year old little monkey jumping on my bed. Stupidly I say, "Can we sleep just a little longer, it's mama's birthday."

Yeah, say it's a birthday to a 3 year old who has been to a few birthday parties that involve cake a fun.

"Oh, mama, it's your birt-day? Oh, we have cake, we sing Happee Birt-day to You."

No, I don't think we'll have cake. Or sing Happy Birthday. Who would make mama's cake?

And this precious boy looks at me like I've asked the world's dumbest question and sighs, "Mama, you always make the birt-day cakes."

Invitations revisited.

I compromised. Meaning, score one for Jeff.

The invites will say Mr. and Mrs. Blah Blah.

But so help me, he better drop the blue or green vest idea.

That is all.

Why Buy Handmade/Homemade

Although times are tough and the economy is certainly not the best, there are still numerous good reasons to buy homemade or handmade items. If you buy handmade items locally, you are supporting local small businesses. Your money stays local. When I make my dresses, bows, or headbands, most of my supplies come from businesses here in the Valley. If I can't find something here, I will turn to Etsy. While Joann Fabrics is not a small business, it is still local. And my purchase helps pay the people's salary who live here.

In addition, your purchase helps the business owner, from stay at home mom's to women who sew and create to help pay for medical bills that are not covered by insurance. When you buy local handmade, you are not padding a big chain store's profits, you are helping people just like you.

I know that sometimes handmade items seem more expensive. Why pay $15-$20 for a tutu when you can find one online for $5? Well, the ones online and the ones sold in some boutique stores are not really handmade. Many of these are ordered from wholesale distributors who receive their products from China. And the labor standards in China are horrendous. Children are working at sewing machines, women are terminated if they become pregnant and in general treated like a commodity that can and will be bought and sold.

One question I ask myself a lot is why would people want to buy my cakes when they can get a large cake from Costco for under $20? Well, there is a huge difference between any cakes from a big chain store and a homemade cake. Most of the big chain store cakes are pre-fabricated, then frozen and shipped to the stores where someone there puts some more pre-fab icing on the cake and sticks it in a cooler. My cakes are made using quality ingredients. There is real butter in all of my cakes and icings. I only bake my cakes the night before they are due to be delivered, that way they are at their freshest for any event. Some cakes use cream cheese, quality cocoa, or even fresh fruit. Each ingredient is precisely measured and then baked for just the right time. If I make a mistake and the cake is overdone, I start over. If I wouldn't serve it to my family, I won't serve it to a customer. I know many other bakers who do the same thing.

Personally, I want to see my money stay local, so I will support handmade. Feel free to ask people questions. Ask where they get their supplies or if they buy from a wholesaler. Most people will be honest. And if someone tries to evade the question, it might raise some red flags. I welcome any questions about my products. And while I probably won't give you my secret white cake recipe, I will tell you that it is all from scratch, I use real butter, not butter flavoring, real vanilla, not imitation, and I separate the eggs and just use the whites.

Top 5 Reason My Children Will Land me in a Mental Institution

1) Isaiah, I'm really glad you have learned to use the potty. But please, when you want to dump your little bucket "all by yourself" don't wave it up and down. It flings your pee everywhere. I when I say everywhere, I mean everywhere...even my foot.

2) Noah, stop debating me. I'm the boss, you are not.

3) Elizabeth, no more screeching-EVER!

4) To the boys-Will it kill you to be nice for 5 minutes? Stop taking toys, yelling at each other, or in general being little meanies.

5) If your sibling is playing with a toy and I ask you to clean up- Leave the one toy that s/he is happily playing with ALONE!

I'm sorry, my feminist streak is showing...

I want to start by saying that I am not a super extreme feminist. I do believe that feminism is a good thing, but I've never gone over the edge. I stay at home with my kids and rely on support from a man...pretty much the opposite.

However, every once in awhile, my feminist streak shines and that could cause some arguments.

Having a wedding is probably one of the most anti-feminist things a woman can do. She's escorted down the aisle by her father who 'gives' her away. Then she promises to love, honor, and in some vows OBEY her new husband.

Really?

And the invitations. Mr. and Mrs. Blah Blah invite you to the wedding of their daughter. So my mother is reduced to a Mrs. Someone else. Her own name is silenced.

I'm not ok with this.

Women have been silenced for centuries. It is a practice that is still continued today. A woman who cries is a hormonal, emotional, basketcase. If she yells or even asserts herself in any way, she is irrational or unstable. If a man is assertive, he's a ball-buster, a real man.

I understand that this is how things used to be, but I don't understand why it has to remain like this. I don't want my mother, or my future mother-in-law's name silenced next to her husband's name.

I will wear a white dress and walk down the aisle with my dad. I can handle that. I'm not going to get my panties in a twist over changing my last name, because I WANT to change my last name. But I am still Emily. And I deserve to have my own first name.

Just how I think our mothers should have their own first name recognized on the wedding invitations.

Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed.
If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes."
They will say, "Women don't have what it takes." ~Clare Boothe Luce


I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute. ~Rebecca West, "Mr Chesterton in Hysterics: A Study in Prejudice," The Clarion, 14 Nov 1913, reprinted in The Young Rebecca, 1982

Until I had Kids...

I never had to say "Please don't pick your sister's nose" or any other wild phrase.

I never had to walk into the bathroom to an empty bottle of toothpaste, laugh, and then horrified, look around to see where it went.

I never had to scold, yell, want to scream or pull my hair out because of how many times a 3 year old can go to the bathroom in the 45 minutes after bedtime.

I never had to wade through a room of toys, trash, books, and God knows what else just to find a pair of socks.

BUT I also never knew....

How much a mother's love meant. Or how it was even possible to love one little tiny person so incredibly much.

I never understood why my mom plastered a ton of makeup on my face for prom. I thought I looked like a cheap hooker. Now looking at pictures I realize I look normal. There is also a difference from the "fine, do what ever" to the next years, "No, leave me alone" pictures. The second year I looked like a large blob of white pasty skin with no eyelashes or lips.

I never would have traded my life for anything. I would in an instant for those babies.

I never knew the depth of the mother-daughter bond until I had a little girl of my own. Now, whenever she brings me toenail polish or sits on my lap to let me brush her hair it feels as though my heart will explode from all of the love I have for her.

And most of all, I wish that adults were more like children. Because no matter what happens during the day, no matter how many times I get frustrated and wish they would go to bed, or just be nice for 5 minutes. No matter how much I scold or punish, it as though their minds reset and forget about all of that the next morning. Because every morning they wake up and give me a hugs, kisses and say, "I love you mama." I think it would be nice if a lot of grown-ups were that way, maybe the world would be a better place.

What Can You Possibly Say...

My best friend since college sent me a text yesterday and said that her husband of over six years was done, finished. And he left her.

Out of everyone I know, this is one marriage that I truly believed it would be forever. And now, my best friend is broken and I can't do anything to help her. If I lived there, I would have packed up the kids and drove. Even if it was 4 hours. But it's a 4 day trip now. I have never missed home so bad in my life.

After having children, there are so many changes you go through. You go from you to a different version of you. The old you is still in there, but there are other things that become more important. It is so hard to balance a child, job, and relationship. Women wear so many hats: mom, wife, sister, daughter, worker, friend, and the list just keeps going. I once read in one of my Social Theory classes that the most common form of depression is when women experience role strain: i.e. wearing too many hats.

Am I the same person that I was 5 years ago? No, probably not. 5 years ago I was a single mom who was just beginning to put myself back out there. I only had one child, one job, and no boyfriend/husband. I was able to go out and have a few drinks when my son was at grandma's house.

Then I met Jeff and got pregnant with Isaiah. My friends started changing because I wasn't going out when I had a free night. I was home with my growing little family. Shortly after Isaiah, I had Elizabeth. So more and more of the old me fell away and was replaced by the new, more adult, me. Now, if we have a babysitter for the kids we usually end up going grocery shopping by ourselves. How fun does that sound? Go from fun to mundane.

I guess what scares me is that this will happen to me. What if I wake up one morning and Jeff says I'm not the same person he fell in love with. Have I already changed so much that I am unrecognizable? Sometimes I feel like I have. And some days I feel like it is a good thing. But sometimes I just feel like a portion of who I used to be. All of the stress and sleepless nights have just added up to make me a tired, boring, mean person who is too busy just getting through the day to really stop and see what is going on around me.

And in the midst of trying to figure this out, how can I possibly be a support for my friend? What do I say to possibly make things better, because nothing I say can change or fix anything. What do you say to your best friend whose world is falling apart? Because I've been there. My world crumbled at my feet and it is not pretty.

But you eventually pick yourself up and move on. Not because you want to, but because you have to.

So in the meantime, I pray for peace for her. Because I don't know what else to pray for.

Funny Kids Conversations

This past weekend Noah had his "BFF" stay the night. The BFF label is Noah's words, not mine. After you hit three kids adding any additional ones really do not make much of a difference. It's always a loud and crazy zoo house and adding one more boy is almost second nature. In the midst of loading 4 kids up in our mini bus, a man leaned out of his window and asked if they were all mine.

What does it matter?

Man: (haha) I was gonna tell you to stop drinking the water

Oh you are so hilarious.

I took all the kids to get frozen yogurt and we ate outside. Noah and his friend found a realtor ad and this conversation took place.

(I'll refer to Noah's friend as Lego man)

Noah: Wow, she's hot.
Lego Man: No, she's hot.
Noah: Dude, she's OLD!
Lego Man: Yeah, you should stay away from older girls. Alls they do is beat up on you and they don't kiss you either.

Wise Lego Man......

Cream Cheese Frosting

I have decided that Cream Cheese Frosting is crack in a bowl. It is so incredibly good. Rich, creamy, velvety goodness. It is the only weakness besides ganache that I have left. I've gotten very good about not sampling the goodies I make. I just looked it up on Weight Watchers and it is only 4 points per serving.

That's not so bad....

But it is if you eat the entire bowl.

So.....

So I really don't have much to say other than woo hoo I'm out of school for the summer. I need some serious help and ideas though.

This summer, I want to open an etsy shop. How can I accomplish this? I know what I want to make, the problem I am having is time. I usually end up crafting into the wee hours of dawn, then I'm cranky and irritable when the kids wake up four hours later. I don't want to do anything else for the rest of the day. I need a schedule! I need to wake up at a decent hour, have a chore time and a crafting time that leaves room for family time and going to bed at a decent hour.

What works for you? Ideas, suggestions?

The Awesome Pumpkin Carving Charlie Brown

Every year I think that carving pumpkins is going to be so much fun. I get all excited, buy the pumpkins, pick out designs and have this image of all of us sitting around the table having Norman Rockwell circa 1980's pumpkin carving time.

yeah.right.

1) The 'safe' pumpkin carving utensils will be used effectively as weapons
2) Those huge pumpkins that were just perfect in the store weigh 542 lbs and I am the one to lift them
3) Which means I'm also the one to scrape all of the guts out because nobody wants that craptastic job
4) And that leads to a sore shoulder
5) One child will undoubtedly try to eat pumpkin guts
6) The other child will try to throw it
7) There will be tears of "It's just not right"
8) Isaiah's pumpkin looks like a goofy dude that was stabbed to death because he acquired the 'safe' carving utensils
9) While trying to 'help' Isaiah cut out his pumpkin, somehow I ended up with a busted lip
10) After an hour and a half I need a glass of wine and a side of xanax please.

Because it never goes the way I think it should. The kids lose interest and I'm left carving out pumpkin guts. I put a cat on a pumpkin only to have Noah come out and gripe that I was lame because I didn't do the pirate.

Really?

You freaking carve that intricate awesomely cool design after scraping out 287 lbs of pumpkin guts and 987 pumpkin seeds. You go right ahead buddy. I picked the easy one for a reason.

I think I'm going to add pumpkin carving to the list that childbirth is in. Because they both suck...you know its going to suck...but the end result much greater than the suckage you have to go through. The memories fade, the next year rolls around and you are ready to do it again because the kids think it is awesome.

And they think you are even more awesome for doing it for them.

The Things We Don't Say

Ever since I was a little girl, all I dreamed about was getting married. I pretended with my dolls, with Barbies and just daydreamed about it. What little girl doesn't imagine meeting the man of her dreams, falling in love, getting married and starting a family?

I still do.

My life didn't quite work out like that. It was more like a series of misadventures that landed me where I am at now. Back in college and 27, with 3 kids and still not married.

It's not like I'm alone, but it sure the hell feels like it sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I cannot imagine what my life would be like without my kids. In fact, every time I question one of my misadventures I come up with, "But then I wouldn't have Noah, or Noah wouldn't be Noah" so I stop.

There is just one tiny thing, but it feels like a guillotine hanging over my head. Marriage. I want it, he doesn't.

Yes, he said at the beginning he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to remarry....but that was before. Before births, deaths, trials, sickness, a broken foot, no job, no money, and when I was so stupidly, blindly in love that I thought that I would be the only one special enough to change his mind.

Turns out, maybe not.

So the question was posed tonight: Would you want your daughter to have two children, be living with a man, and NOT be married. Our response was no.

But that's where we are. Assbackwards.

What to do now? I wish I knew. Supposedly, if an ultimatum is made, he would comply. But I don't want to give it. Because if I do, I have to be ready for the consequences. Which could mean that I would be single again. I wouldn't like it, but I could deal with that. Maybe I'd get what I want. Well, that would be wonderful, but I really don't want to twist an arm to get it. More than likely, I would get what I wanted but I would live in fear of hearing these words, "Well, I never wanted to marry you in the first place."

So.....how do you reconcile what you want with reality? What if he really never will want to get married. What if I say I'm through, and then he finds someone he will marry. Is it really me? Because honestly, it feels like I'm great enough to spend time with, sleep with, have children with, but nothing else. I'm too broken to want for marriage. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free right?

So for now, I'm stuck in this seemingly endless maze of choices and thoughts and are sometimes hopeful, sometimes not, and most often, hurtful and self destructing. I am just reminded of "He's just not that into you" The rule is that if you are with someone for an amount of time and they haven't married you yet, they aren't going to" The exception is when they do...So, am I the exception, or the rule?

Pray Without Ceasing....

One of my friends recently blogged about a Crazy Love Challenge. I think it is a basic prayer chain/outreach.
My walk with God has not always been great. I have always believed in Him, but I have a hard time placing my faith fully with him. As the saying goes, "I know God won't give me more than I can handle, but sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much."
It seems as though when I get far enough away, I get a little tap on the shoulder and am reminded that I need to follow a bit closer.
I really don't want to go too much in depth, but those that know me know what a hard time its been. I am in school and haven't worked since May. Jeff is in school and just now started a job. We have the new baby, in addition to the boys. We are getting by, but it isn't easy. I know what prayer can do. My pastor called me one day about a month ago. We had really been keeping a lot of things private. Pastor David called, out of the blue, and asked how things were going. I was in the process of getting ready and trying to do my hair while the kids were entertained, so I almost ignored the call. Then I realized that was Satan, so I answered my phone. Long story short, I poured out my heart, ruined the mascara I had actually applied, and prayed on the phone with my pastor. Two days later, Jeff got the job at the college.

That is the power of prayer. That is the power of holding up your hands and letting God take control. I am a control freak! The sheer thought of letting go terrifies me, and God knows that, and that's why he makes me work on it.

So, I really don't know what my original point to this blog was...but I hope that I have written something that someone would find useful, or maybe just needed to hear right now.

Matthew 17:20-21
For truly I tell you, if you have faith
the size of a mustard seed, you will
say to this mountain, ‘Move from
here to there,’ and it will move; and
nothing will be impossible for you.”

He will always be my Noah ba Doah

Oh, Noah. Where to even begin. You are so sweet when you want to be. You are absolutely hilarious. Your songs, your mannerisms. You are such a character.

My Little Monkey

Such a cute little boy

Little Elizabeth

My sweet Elizabeth....so ladylike already lifting up her dress.

Zoo House

There are times that I really do not know which way is up. Somedays I think back to when I did not have children and how simple my life was. I was single, I could eat when I wanted, make a trip to WalMart at 3 in the morning. I didn't have to plan. I just did.

Then I look at my children and think, "Why would I want to go back to THAT?"

Sure, things get crazy. Today I was trying to finish a paper, get ready, do housework, get Elizabeth to take a nap, make Jeff's lunch, figure out dinner, and not going crazy. Amidst all of this, you wanna guess what my little monkey did? (Isaiah is referred to as little monkey).

This sweet little boy went into his bedroom, quietly took off his pants and pull-up and proceeded to POOP ON THE RUG!!!

He walks out smiling saying, "Ewww.....poop....ewww mama, poop" And was nice enough to show me where he pooped.

So I guess I can take a piece of carpet and put it on the toilet to potty train him.
I guess if he starts flinging poop at people and smearing it on the walls, he will become our big monkey.

I guarantee you that I never cleaned poop off of a floor when I was single and didn't have any kids. Would I give it up? Never. Do I wish Isaiah would potty train? ABSOFREAKINLUTELY!

Bottom line, I would not trade it for the world. Even if the house is covered in poo and children are climbing the walls and I'm hiding in the bathroom. Because if I lose the bad moments, I also lose the good. I would lose Isaiah hugging me and saying "Love you mama" out of the blue. I'd miss Noah making up country songs. I'd miss Elizabeth giving me the most beautiful smile in all the world. Those make up for the crazy, poo filled days.