Every year I think that carving pumpkins is going to be so much fun. I get all excited, buy the pumpkins, pick out designs and have this image of all of us sitting around the table having Norman Rockwell circa 1980's pumpkin carving time.
yeah.right.
1) The 'safe' pumpkin carving utensils will be used effectively as weapons
2) Those huge pumpkins that were just perfect in the store weigh 542 lbs and I am the one to lift them
3) Which means I'm also the one to scrape all of the guts out because nobody wants that craptastic job
4) And that leads to a sore shoulder
5) One child will undoubtedly try to eat pumpkin guts
6) The other child will try to throw it
7) There will be tears of "It's just not right"
8) Isaiah's pumpkin looks like a goofy dude that was stabbed to death because he acquired the 'safe' carving utensils
9) While trying to 'help' Isaiah cut out his pumpkin, somehow I ended up with a busted lip
10) After an hour and a half I need a glass of wine and a side of xanax please.
Because it never goes the way I think it should. The kids lose interest and I'm left carving out pumpkin guts. I put a cat on a pumpkin only to have Noah come out and gripe that I was lame because I didn't do the pirate.
Really?
You freaking carve that intricate awesomely cool design after scraping out 287 lbs of pumpkin guts and 987 pumpkin seeds. You go right ahead buddy. I picked the easy one for a reason.
I think I'm going to add pumpkin carving to the list that childbirth is in. Because they both suck...you know its going to suck...but the end result much greater than the suckage you have to go through. The memories fade, the next year rolls around and you are ready to do it again because the kids think it is awesome.
And they think you are even more awesome for doing it for them.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
The Things We Don't Say
Ever since I was a little girl, all I dreamed about was getting married. I pretended with my dolls, with Barbies and just daydreamed about it. What little girl doesn't imagine meeting the man of her dreams, falling in love, getting married and starting a family?
I still do.
My life didn't quite work out like that. It was more like a series of misadventures that landed me where I am at now. Back in college and 27, with 3 kids and still not married.
It's not like I'm alone, but it sure the hell feels like it sometimes.
Don't get me wrong, I cannot imagine what my life would be like without my kids. In fact, every time I question one of my misadventures I come up with, "But then I wouldn't have Noah, or Noah wouldn't be Noah" so I stop.
There is just one tiny thing, but it feels like a guillotine hanging over my head. Marriage. I want it, he doesn't.
Yes, he said at the beginning he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to remarry....but that was before. Before births, deaths, trials, sickness, a broken foot, no job, no money, and when I was so stupidly, blindly in love that I thought that I would be the only one special enough to change his mind.
Turns out, maybe not.
So the question was posed tonight: Would you want your daughter to have two children, be living with a man, and NOT be married. Our response was no.
But that's where we are. Assbackwards.
What to do now? I wish I knew. Supposedly, if an ultimatum is made, he would comply. But I don't want to give it. Because if I do, I have to be ready for the consequences. Which could mean that I would be single again. I wouldn't like it, but I could deal with that. Maybe I'd get what I want. Well, that would be wonderful, but I really don't want to twist an arm to get it. More than likely, I would get what I wanted but I would live in fear of hearing these words, "Well, I never wanted to marry you in the first place."
So.....how do you reconcile what you want with reality? What if he really never will want to get married. What if I say I'm through, and then he finds someone he will marry. Is it really me? Because honestly, it feels like I'm great enough to spend time with, sleep with, have children with, but nothing else. I'm too broken to want for marriage. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free right?
So for now, I'm stuck in this seemingly endless maze of choices and thoughts and are sometimes hopeful, sometimes not, and most often, hurtful and self destructing. I am just reminded of "He's just not that into you" The rule is that if you are with someone for an amount of time and they haven't married you yet, they aren't going to" The exception is when they do...So, am I the exception, or the rule?
I still do.
My life didn't quite work out like that. It was more like a series of misadventures that landed me where I am at now. Back in college and 27, with 3 kids and still not married.
It's not like I'm alone, but it sure the hell feels like it sometimes.
Don't get me wrong, I cannot imagine what my life would be like without my kids. In fact, every time I question one of my misadventures I come up with, "But then I wouldn't have Noah, or Noah wouldn't be Noah" so I stop.
There is just one tiny thing, but it feels like a guillotine hanging over my head. Marriage. I want it, he doesn't.
Yes, he said at the beginning he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to remarry....but that was before. Before births, deaths, trials, sickness, a broken foot, no job, no money, and when I was so stupidly, blindly in love that I thought that I would be the only one special enough to change his mind.
Turns out, maybe not.
So the question was posed tonight: Would you want your daughter to have two children, be living with a man, and NOT be married. Our response was no.
But that's where we are. Assbackwards.
What to do now? I wish I knew. Supposedly, if an ultimatum is made, he would comply. But I don't want to give it. Because if I do, I have to be ready for the consequences. Which could mean that I would be single again. I wouldn't like it, but I could deal with that. Maybe I'd get what I want. Well, that would be wonderful, but I really don't want to twist an arm to get it. More than likely, I would get what I wanted but I would live in fear of hearing these words, "Well, I never wanted to marry you in the first place."
So.....how do you reconcile what you want with reality? What if he really never will want to get married. What if I say I'm through, and then he finds someone he will marry. Is it really me? Because honestly, it feels like I'm great enough to spend time with, sleep with, have children with, but nothing else. I'm too broken to want for marriage. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free right?
So for now, I'm stuck in this seemingly endless maze of choices and thoughts and are sometimes hopeful, sometimes not, and most often, hurtful and self destructing. I am just reminded of "He's just not that into you" The rule is that if you are with someone for an amount of time and they haven't married you yet, they aren't going to" The exception is when they do...So, am I the exception, or the rule?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Pray Without Ceasing....
One of my friends recently blogged about a Crazy Love Challenge. I think it is a basic prayer chain/outreach.
My walk with God has not always been great. I have always believed in Him, but I have a hard time placing my faith fully with him. As the saying goes, "I know God won't give me more than I can handle, but sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much."
It seems as though when I get far enough away, I get a little tap on the shoulder and am reminded that I need to follow a bit closer.
I really don't want to go too much in depth, but those that know me know what a hard time its been. I am in school and haven't worked since May. Jeff is in school and just now started a job. We have the new baby, in addition to the boys. We are getting by, but it isn't easy. I know what prayer can do. My pastor called me one day about a month ago. We had really been keeping a lot of things private. Pastor David called, out of the blue, and asked how things were going. I was in the process of getting ready and trying to do my hair while the kids were entertained, so I almost ignored the call. Then I realized that was Satan, so I answered my phone. Long story short, I poured out my heart, ruined the mascara I had actually applied, and prayed on the phone with my pastor. Two days later, Jeff got the job at the college.
That is the power of prayer. That is the power of holding up your hands and letting God take control. I am a control freak! The sheer thought of letting go terrifies me, and God knows that, and that's why he makes me work on it.
So, I really don't know what my original point to this blog was...but I hope that I have written something that someone would find useful, or maybe just needed to hear right now.
Matthew 17:20-21
For truly I tell you, if you have faith
the size of a mustard seed, you will
say to this mountain, ‘Move from
here to there,’ and it will move; and
nothing will be impossible for you.”
My walk with God has not always been great. I have always believed in Him, but I have a hard time placing my faith fully with him. As the saying goes, "I know God won't give me more than I can handle, but sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much."
It seems as though when I get far enough away, I get a little tap on the shoulder and am reminded that I need to follow a bit closer.
I really don't want to go too much in depth, but those that know me know what a hard time its been. I am in school and haven't worked since May. Jeff is in school and just now started a job. We have the new baby, in addition to the boys. We are getting by, but it isn't easy. I know what prayer can do. My pastor called me one day about a month ago. We had really been keeping a lot of things private. Pastor David called, out of the blue, and asked how things were going. I was in the process of getting ready and trying to do my hair while the kids were entertained, so I almost ignored the call. Then I realized that was Satan, so I answered my phone. Long story short, I poured out my heart, ruined the mascara I had actually applied, and prayed on the phone with my pastor. Two days later, Jeff got the job at the college.
That is the power of prayer. That is the power of holding up your hands and letting God take control. I am a control freak! The sheer thought of letting go terrifies me, and God knows that, and that's why he makes me work on it.
So, I really don't know what my original point to this blog was...but I hope that I have written something that someone would find useful, or maybe just needed to hear right now.
Matthew 17:20-21
For truly I tell you, if you have faith
the size of a mustard seed, you will
say to this mountain, ‘Move from
here to there,’ and it will move; and
nothing will be impossible for you.”
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
He will always be my Noah ba Doah
Oh, Noah. Where to even begin. You are so sweet when you want to be. You are absolutely hilarious. Your songs, your mannerisms. You are such a character.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Zoo House
There are times that I really do not know which way is up. Somedays I think back to when I did not have children and how simple my life was. I was single, I could eat when I wanted, make a trip to WalMart at 3 in the morning. I didn't have to plan. I just did.
Then I look at my children and think, "Why would I want to go back to THAT?"
Sure, things get crazy. Today I was trying to finish a paper, get ready, do housework, get Elizabeth to take a nap, make Jeff's lunch, figure out dinner, and not going crazy. Amidst all of this, you wanna guess what my little monkey did? (Isaiah is referred to as little monkey).
This sweet little boy went into his bedroom, quietly took off his pants and pull-up and proceeded to POOP ON THE RUG!!!
He walks out smiling saying, "Ewww.....poop....ewww mama, poop" And was nice enough to show me where he pooped.
So I guess I can take a piece of carpet and put it on the toilet to potty train him.
I guess if he starts flinging poop at people and smearing it on the walls, he will become our big monkey.
I guarantee you that I never cleaned poop off of a floor when I was single and didn't have any kids. Would I give it up? Never. Do I wish Isaiah would potty train? ABSOFREAKINLUTELY!
Bottom line, I would not trade it for the world. Even if the house is covered in poo and children are climbing the walls and I'm hiding in the bathroom. Because if I lose the bad moments, I also lose the good. I would lose Isaiah hugging me and saying "Love you mama" out of the blue. I'd miss Noah making up country songs. I'd miss Elizabeth giving me the most beautiful smile in all the world. Those make up for the crazy, poo filled days.
Then I look at my children and think, "Why would I want to go back to THAT?"
Sure, things get crazy. Today I was trying to finish a paper, get ready, do housework, get Elizabeth to take a nap, make Jeff's lunch, figure out dinner, and not going crazy. Amidst all of this, you wanna guess what my little monkey did? (Isaiah is referred to as little monkey).
This sweet little boy went into his bedroom, quietly took off his pants and pull-up and proceeded to POOP ON THE RUG!!!
He walks out smiling saying, "Ewww.....poop....ewww mama, poop" And was nice enough to show me where he pooped.
So I guess I can take a piece of carpet and put it on the toilet to potty train him.
I guess if he starts flinging poop at people and smearing it on the walls, he will become our big monkey.
I guarantee you that I never cleaned poop off of a floor when I was single and didn't have any kids. Would I give it up? Never. Do I wish Isaiah would potty train? ABSOFREAKINLUTELY!
Bottom line, I would not trade it for the world. Even if the house is covered in poo and children are climbing the walls and I'm hiding in the bathroom. Because if I lose the bad moments, I also lose the good. I would lose Isaiah hugging me and saying "Love you mama" out of the blue. I'd miss Noah making up country songs. I'd miss Elizabeth giving me the most beautiful smile in all the world. Those make up for the crazy, poo filled days.
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